I met her the other day.

I take her home yesterday. She was very very scared. In the car she barfed. Last night I kept her with Mambo. They got along well.
Today she is not so scared. She is being a crazy goofy puppy and less scared with every moment that passes.

She will need a name.

More plant propagation today.

Need to go to town to buy dog food. I forgot earlier.

I went around the lake with the wwoofer and we had a nice time seeing places

Little dog honey cupcake has funny ears.

cutie kitty named Kali spot

Kali Spot is the best kitty. Or at least among the best in the world.
I only know my cats.
I am sleeping in the big cabana tonight. And Kali Spot comes to bug me.
She doesn’t meow, but makes a sound I can’t spell. It is a cute sound.

More Kali pictures here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/brianfey/tags/kalispot/

She is extremely affectionate. So much so that sometimes I have to tell her to go away. Often. Especially since I am allergic to cats.
I don’t seem very allergic to her though. Right now she is sitting on my shoulders but that wont’ last long because she always trying to do something like rub on me. I have trained her that it is bad to walk on my keyboard. My keyboard is not a kitty kitty dance dance revolution game.

I have had her since she was a kitten and she seems to like me tons. If she was a woman… hmmm… arg. A previous guest and I were joking about that. She would be a fine and dangerous women. So affectionate. Unfortunately I have to limit my exposure to her since I am allergic to cats, though luckily not super allergic to her.
It is amazing such a complex nice being can be in such a small body. She weighs nothing. I don’t know how a person can be so small. Cats have been genetically selected to be some kinda strange companions to humans. Alien cameras. Sometimes I think I have trained her, but then later I think she is just humoring me.
She lives outside. I don’t know where she sleeps, but there are many good places. And the whole art studio is a safe place for her. No dogs. The dogs do not hurt the cats. The dogs used to carry the cats around in their mouths like puppies when they were all younger, but I stopped that because I was concerned about some kinda incompatability of ways. It was pretty cute though. Dogs and cats sleeping together might be some kinda perversion, but it is cute. And I think for here that dogs should be all trained not to hurt cats. My first cat in my life had to die in the process of me making that work when I got new dogs. Those dogs now don’t hurt cats since last year. And one of those dogs, “Dizzy” might become my favorite dog. Or one of several favorite dogs.
The dog dynamic has changed since Besa is missing. fuck i cna’t even write that and be happy.
Mambo has taken more control. Now he attacks any lower dog who takes what he wants. Not bad attacks. Just standard dominance making.

Kali Spot does tend to slobber on me though. Dusk midnight doesn’ lober on me. She is Like some kinda little St Bernard cat. Or maybe she is marking me. Cats think they own humans. Maybe they do.
I like that she asks to come up on my lap. She puts her paws up and makes her half meow noise.

Even though I know her very well, I can’t really tell what she is thinking. Cats are trickier than dogs.
She and dusk midnight are very very different than the two ninja cats. The ninja cats, who are both named “Nynjah” are like wild tiny black panther cats. They have their own lives and very very rarely do they come and even let me pet them.

Now she is cleaning herself with her tongue. She likes to do that.
Dogs do not do that. Dogs would roll in rotting fish and then run to you and say: “I am wonderful and I smell like perfume! Love me!”
I like dogs. I am a dog person.
But… maybe Kali Spot makes me more a cat person a little.
Now she is doing more weird cat things.
I spit in her mouth and now suddenly she seem content and not bugging me. Now she is mellow. I know that is likely gross, but apparently that is what she wanted. Weirdo cat.

She is not allowed to play with my alpaca sweater. I hid it from her.

Now the birds start to sing. Kali run away.

6:36 am.

I feel sleepy.

Arg. now Kali is back. Looking at me over my screen. What the fuck is she thinking? If she was a panther she would kill me and play with my dying body like a mouse and when I died she would wonder why I am no fun anymore.

Besa Mae Fey is still missing.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/brianfey/tags/besagood/

All four of us looked everywhere for her. It is a big place… she doesn’t even like to walk far at all. She doesn’t really like to go anywhere anymore, except in the mornings sometimes she like to go for a little walk to smell things. But only near the house. I have to encourage her with a leash to go to another building even. She liikes to go on the leash. But she doesn’t like to go anywhere. Where is she then now?

I know all the places on this land. I looked yesterday. We searched today ad hoc, then we searched organized. Up this barranca and that. We searched places she could not be and places she might. She has lots of white fur… hard to miss.
The dogs act like they don’t know anything. But I don’t know how they can’t. They know with their noses where all people go. Maybe they killed her. But even so… there is no where here we have not looked. It is like hide and seek. But not fun.

I guess I will write up her obituary. It may not be time yet for it, and I hope it is not, but when it is I sure wont’ be in the mood to write it if we find her dead. That thought was shaking me up today even though I try to think I have prepared myself for it. I can’t. I was trying to figure out how I can not fall apart in front of my workers if we find her. I know she is “only a dog” but for me she is a better being than most humans I have met. I joke that “dog zen is good zen” but what I really mean is that “Besa Mae zen is good zen”. I have learned some things from her despite being a different species. Regular dogs vary quite a bit just a their “owners” do. She has always been as good or better a being than me. And she did her half the “training”.

I am having enough trouble today controlling my thoughts about her being missing. We will continue and widen the search tommorrow, though… really none of us believe she could have or would have gone far. But what choice is there? And I am just confused. Maybe she knows what she is doing? or? what?

I guess she could have gone off to die, which is an ok choice… but strange. She could be somehow secretly near and laughing an old dog laugh at our search… but we really looked everywhere and she doesn’t have that kind of sense of humor. She is not a sneaky dog. There just is nowhere for her to be. Maybe she was abducted by aliens, though I am not so sure she would be their top choice. Maybe she found Memo’s secret party place and applied for the old bitch discount. She does enjoy a good party. Maybe she misses good parties and went to look for one. I should do the same.
Murder is unlikely. Just as it was with Memo. There is no clear answer. Which is a bad answer for people who like to understand what is going on.

I would like to know. I do not like this kind of mystery. I do not want to play this game. If she came to me one day and looked at me in the eyes and said wither her eyes: “Brian, I am old and tired and want to die now cause I don’t have much interest anymore…” then I would think to help her.. but… and … maybe she did say that to me. maybe she did… she did say things like that to me. I am stupid too like her, but I understand things. She was being slow, and not really caring about things. Maybe she saw all she felt like seeing. Maybe I didn’t have parties and she felt bored.

Maybe I hate death. Maybe death is my friend. Strange friend. Death comes for me as she always has. Death is the fey thing, that fey being waiting…. predestined? not like being predestined is any different than random.
Maybe Besa will magickly show up tommorrow… That would be the usual joke. And laugh and old slow happy bitch laugh at me for thinking all these thoughts. But that reality isn’t her style. Death would laugh, but Besa is not that kinda girl.

I don’t like her to be away from me. I have never left her alone for long since 1994. She is the only being consistant in my adult life and the only being I committed to care for. She is like a child and a friend. And then she became old, which I told her was not allowed, but she didn’t seem to care about that rule.
I think about what might be my fault. I know I am at fault for everything. And there are always a 1000 people to fault a person like my for anyting bad. I get many emails about that. I took good care of her and she always had a magic fun life. Many people who even hated dogs liked her because she was a very good cilvilized an repectful person. Maybe I should not refer to her in the past tense, but where is she? There is no where for her to be.
I wish I was like her. A person people like.

I don’t like her to maybe not be in shelter. In the rain. I would prefer her to be dead than suffering , though I guess I have chosen to continue in the suffering this world which rains ignorance.
She isn’t stupid, though she isn’t smart either. But she doesn’t make mistakes.
She did once eat some raw veal at a barbeque which wasn’t hers… but it wasn’t really her fault. And I guess it wasn’t a mistake on her part. She sure didn’t seem unhappy about it. I secretly thought it was funny, though I did apologize.

I guess I have all these feelings and thoughts. I don’t like all of them.

There is the community sculpture you are part of. We are all creating each other. And ourselves too.

Really I am just now an almost crying almost drunken stupid hermit
And I would just want want my dog, my friend, my fuzzy daughter, my only accomplice, to please come home.
And now crying.

Fuck you. Fuck Death. Even death cannot hide bodies.
Where the fuck is my dog?

I don’t know where else to look.

I looked everywhere.

This is the start of a map made from GPS-ing my land, then cleaning up the resulting map and projecting it up onto a canvas.

I brought two new dogs home yesterday. The owner is moving back to the states.

I will start giving the little puppies away.

The new dogs are Dizzy and Luna. They are black and white like Besa Mae. Sisters. 5 Years Old.

So far all is going ok, but they did attack Nimbus the cat. I put them in the house then noticed one dog had blood on her nose. I went to find Nimbus who was fine so I think the blood came from the dogs nose getting clawed.

They had better learn quick to get along with the cats. The other dogs and cats get along just fine and even sleep together on the same bed. I don’t want that to change.

I am quite zones today. Many things I need to do, yet I feel dazed. I just look around and do nothing.

My favorite silly things to yell at the three puppies is:
“Hey dogs… don’t do anything!” they are good at doing funny crazy things.

Luckily they don’t speak english.

Tonight I will continue trying to reconcile the mushroom resources.
Some resources say a mushroom is edible, others not. And pictures don’t match up and some species are not covered in all…
It is kinda a boring task but I am interested enough to make me do it.
And I have some good mushroom photos and hope to expand my collection of photos in this rainy season.

I could become a kinda mushroom expert for this region in a couple years.
And I would know lots more good ones to eat.

I am going to try to get a good night sleep somehow.

Sweet dreams to you!

Damn is is cold this morning! Luckily the sun warms things up fast.

I sent out an email to my potential housesitters so I can continue the movie project and and getting a great response! Yay!
I need to be able to have good housesitters here so I am not trapped!

Photos from the last work on the movie are here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/brianfey/sets/1503429/

Today I have a long list of things to get done. Will try to go to the hippie Kung Fu class as well. I know little about Kung Fu but read up on some of the philosophy last night.

Two materials needed for the secret art project are being delayed by a month. Arg!
I checked in on the local one which I expected would be done by now and they say they can start getting me what I need next month! Gee, would have been nice to know that before. I will seek another supplier today as I shouldn’t be dependant on one supplier anyway.
The materials from the states are on hold until I get some answers from the company about their materials. I got no reponse to my last email.

Painting is easier because I don’t have to be dependant on anyone… (Except maybe muses but I am trying to get over that.)
But this mixed media stuff with fancy materials to make psuedo-sculpture… requires collaborative effort and is harder.
Oh well, thats the fun I guess.

My new favorite dog is Patzsari. She loves me the most. Mambo is a big goof and Contreras is so contrary.
But they are all great! I want to build them a dog mobile to play with. Sticks on ropes. They liked Nimbus’s one so much they destroyed it.

Kicking ass today.

Cleaned up the house some…
Received 2000 concrete blocks to build a wall around the pool to remove security hazard, make a play area for the dog wogs, and build the base for Gomer 2 (composting toilet) and Partially enclose the art studio.

Made cuttings and/or planted about 30 pieces of jades and succulants which had busted off…

Soon a couple visitors with arrive for a tour of projects. Then Off to town for some errands and some torta action.
Brian ZOOOOOOOOMMM!

The puppies are developing rapidly.
Yesterday they all were strong enough to go up stairs, one now knows how to go down them.
They are getting underfoot more and more and doing funny things. One has discovered how fun it it to pull the other around by the tail while the vistim wails. Suddenly god grabs the agressers by the neck; quick lift then release. The pup yelps and doesn’t even know what happened. Heh.

Reading: “The seeds of change.”

Jeez… what a day!

BEST THING: Stage one of the new super cool super secret art project is done… And it went well! If it didn’t I would not have continued.
Now comes stages 2 and three. Stage two will cost over $1500 bucks to get started. Yow! But it will have unworldy prettiness! (I need to buy some exotic supplies shipped in from Asia.)
And stage three will be another $4000 in supplies and some other costs… But… then I should have about 20 pieces of incredible art like I have never seen before with my style! Yay! It will be… Mixed media I guess… Wall hangable psuedo sculpture.
I gotta invest in me I guess. And todays results indicate that I can make it work…. If today didn’t work out I would have likely bailed on the idea.
There are still a couple unknowns…
Save your money now… I should be able to sell the resulting piece at around $1000 or so… without losing money. Although they will weigh about 20 lbs each… to I guess transport is an issue.
They will only be 2×2 or 2×4 feet, about an inch deep, but will be more cool than anything you have in your house now! And I should be able to use them to distinguish myself as an artist.
Think caveman painting for the year 3000 A.C. (After Crucifixion.)

Got more dog and pup food. Left the puppies out all day…. they were fine.
A bunch of other stuff happened that I don’t feel like writing about. Errands and survival.
The gravel guy did show up… I ordered sand for tommorrow morning… when I got home he was here delivering it… ??? Can no one follow a plan? Anyway I have the sand. The guy bugs me a bit.. he asks too many curious questions… How many people live here? (20 I say )How much did this place cost? (Private) Many questions…
I think I will hire another person just cause he is curious beyond what I want people to be about here.

Composting toilet:
All Base done: I need to take some measurements for the metal guy… and then get the soil doors and seat made, and the entry door…
And then build a brick wall around it for a little privacy.

The guys are starting on Gomer 2 platform. And the wall around the pool to some kids doesn’t drown like the bunny, coyote, some mice, and the armadillo did.
And I need to design the sauna area. Sauna VERY important for people to be clean naked and warm in a place that is dirty and sometimes cold and has a major water shotrage 2/3 of the year.

Nimbus has become a good kitty because I pay him less attention and so he wants to be good now. He follows like a cat… He is polite. Yay!

I think I may actually succeed here. It is encouraging. I need to work harder. Dawn till late night. If I do that for 20 years I will be fine.

To those of you who have sent the supportive notes from “home” Thank you so much. I need them. I survive on them.

The puppies are getting to be people more and more… they will need a lot more from me for the next month…

I need to work on the people end of new years… part of me wants to cancel and be a wuss… but I won’t… I will create special superness for some folks.
I want them to have an intense time and a good one. Much work to do on that end of things.